Our relationship with our spouse

Ever wonder how or why so many marriages fall apart? Often arranged marriages seem to work out just fine, but we see so many drift away from each other in marriages where people were free to choose. This seems very counterintuitive, unless choice isn’t what makes a marriage work.

There is an interesting passage in Titus that helps us understand why this might be.

Titus 2:2 Older men are to be temperate, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance. 3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4 so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. 6 Likewise urge the young men to be sensible; 7 in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, 8 sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us.

Note in verse 4 that older women are to encourage young women to love their husbands and children.  The Greek word used for “encourage” literally means to recall one to their senses or admonish. This is translated elsewhere as “train”. In the US we often choose who we will marry based on a feeling we call “love”.  If we can be encouraged to love our spouse, then it is not a feeling, but something we do. Marriage is work, and love is an effort. Marriages don’t work if people aren’t committed to the effort when things are good and bad.  I am not advocating for arranged marriages, but since they take away the expectation of choice those involved know that the new expectation is that they will make it work. If we feel like we are growing apart from our spouse or we just don’t “love” them anymore the problem is “us” and the solution is to fix it, and to love them again.  We often prefer to focus on “them”, but this does no good as it only serves to draw our focus to their imperfections and relieve us of our responsibility. Telling them how they need to improve likely also won’t have the desired effect unless we do it with love and are visibly making an effort as well. This is in line with what is taught in 1 Corinthians and is a practical place to start if you are wondering how to love someone again. Here we see verses 1-3 speaking of the importance of love, 4-6 lists some attributes that can be developed, and 7-8 talk about how love does not fail implying that you can not “fall out of love”.  It is the content of verses 4-6 that I expect would be most talked about when the older women in Titus encouraged the younger to love their husbands.

1 Corinthians 13:1 If I speak with the tongues of mankind and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give away all my possessions to charity, and if I surrender my body so that I may glory, but do not have love, it does me no good. 4 Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. 5 It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered, 6 it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 it keeps every confidence, it believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away with; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away with.

We see further in Genesis that marriage is a continuous and lasting decision to keep the vows you made.

Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh

The word translated as “hold fast” is translated below as “cling” in verse 22 to describe how you are to “hold fast” to the Lord.  This is a very strong and long term commitment that we are expected to see through to the end.

Deuteronomy 11:22 For if you are careful to keep all of this commandment which I am commanding you to do, to love the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and cling to Him, 23 then the Lord will dispossess all these nations from you, and you will dispossess nations greater and mightier than you. 24 Every place on which the sole of your foot steps shall be yours; your border will be from the wilderness to Lebanon, and from the river, the river Euphrates, as far as the western sea. 25 No one will be able to stand against you; the Lord your God will instill the dread of you and the fear of you in all the land on which you set foot, just as He has spoken to you.

In the first passage we read in Titus the men were to be an example of good deeds with purity in doctrine. This may not be a direct comment on marriage, but if you are able to teach the word of God correctly and you follow it then you marriage will benefit.  This is because you will be familiar with what we read in 1 Corinthians above and what is said in Ephesians below, specifically verse 25.

Eph 5:22 Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;

We are to love our wives as Christ loved the Church. Remember that He was willing to let go of equality with God to die a painful and shameful death for the Church.

Philippians 2 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, as He already existed in the form of God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself by taking the form of a bond-servant and being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death: death on a cross.